“CEO’s Skill Set Transferable To Any Job That Requires Dumbass To Receive Big Salary” NEW YORK—Claiming he could easily fit into a similar position at most companies, local CEO Mike Waltke told reporters Monday that his skill set was transferable to any job that requires an inept dumbass to receive a big salary. “I have the incompetence necessary to effortlessly transition into a role at any company that yields a seven-figure income,” said Waltke, adding that as long as a business pays him millions of dollars a year, he’ll adapt quickly with his long resume of botching simple tasks and making stupid fucking decisions. “No matter what the industry is, if they need a complete doofus who makes tons of money, I’m their guy. I’ve spent my entire life honing my stupidity from one job that pays millions to the next, giving me skills that every corporation is looking for in their highest-paid positions.” Waltke continued that, with a few more years of proving himself to be at the forefront of being a fucking moron, he could one day become the richest dipshit in the world. The Onion Must be nice.